My Mum always told me I'd have letters after my name one day...

Labels - some may say are unnecessary. Let me tell you why I disagree.

How are you, how are you spending this Saturday? This is coming out to you later than I’d planned, I’ve spent the day mostly in bed feeling sore and under the weather, I almost decided just to skip this post but I have promised myself consistency, so here it is.

First, a late Saturday rambling from my bed.

Portal — I have been seeing this word everywhere over the past week, coincidently after I had written in my journal about these words and thoughts that come so beautifully, making perfect sense, exactly encompassing the sentiment I’m searching for to tell a particular story. Yet as I go to write them down or voice record them, they vanish back into the portal that had briefly opened to send me insight, but so brief that I couldn’t record them. Do you experience this? I think I’m not fully present most of the time, even though it’s something I have spent a lot of time in the years that I have been unwell, to be more aware of.

What portal do you have brief access to? Do you manage to bring anything back with you?

LABELS

To the people who think labelling is unhelpful, you have likely not lived with a neurodevelopmental condition that can be entirely impairing. Prior to gaining diagnosis of the labels I now carry, I carried alternative labels that I and others had given me, such as lazy, angry, impulsive, stupid, unreliable, crazy, did I mention lazy. These alternative labels bestowed upon me over the years, mostly by myself, were harming to me, my mental and physical health.

I’ve shared below, an excerpt from a manuscript I have been slowly working on, to give a brief explanation. I will in future letters delve deeper into each, trying to untangle the intertwined web created by them all overlapping.

PND, PMDD, ADHD, CPTSD & PERIMENOPAUSE – What happens we they collide? 

I start here by explaining what these labels/acronyms are, and how individually I learned I had each one, before going on to explain what its like to live with them all when they overlap and collide. 

PND – Post Natal Depression 

Everyone talks about ‘the baby blues’, how its common for new mothers to feel sad, anxious and overwhelmed, but PND in my opinion is on the taboo list. My first child was 1 year old when I went to my GP, as I just could not understand what was going on with my emotions. The GP explained that even a year down the line I could have PND, he assured me that it was common and that it did not make me a bad mother, he told me anti depressants  would help. 

PMDD – Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder 

So I only learned about this at the ripe age of 45yrs old, although I had been silently living with it since I started my period around 15yrs old. After my son was born it got worse, and as my family grew, the symptoms of PMDD grew too. The feelings of extreme irritability, depression, anxiety, and this intense need to run away, in the week or two prior to menstruation, is so difficult for family members too. Even if you think you are disguising these symptoms with your well placed mask, unfortunately it does not work. 

CPTSD – Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 

PTSD is something that is talked about more freely now, most people are becoming aware of trauma, and its long term effects, CPTSD is experiencing similar symptoms alongside additional ones, such as – difficulty controlling emotions, very angry and distrustful towards the world. When I was around 38yrs old, I requested support from my GP while I was pregnant with my third child, terrified I would experience post natal depression again. This led me on my journey with therapy, and releasing the awful mental wounds of being groomed and raped as a 10yr old child. 

ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder 

You are likely to understand ADHD as a behavioural problem usually seen in primary school age children, who cant sit still, are hyperactive and misbehave. You may be less likely to understand a 46yr old woman being diagnosed this late in life, so that is what I will further explain in more detail, how ADHD presents in adults, with a particular focus on female adults, as that is of course where my lived experience and knowledge is. 

Perimenopause – Most of us will have heard of menopause in some form even if your mum didn’t talk about it, its being spoke about in the media by celebrities, so its starting to get much needed attention and understanding. Less understood, or spoke about is, perimenopause, with a long list of symptoms that can last around ten years. I will share those symptoms and the ones that have directly affected me, explaining how hormones were the catalyst of a physical and emotional breakdown, leading me on this insightful journey into my overall wellbeing, and all the contributing factors. 

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY ALL COLLIDE? 

CHAOS 

COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS... 

‘These alternative labels bestowed upon me over the years, mostly by myself, were harming to me, my mental and physical health’

My Mum told me many times, that I was so clever I would have letters after my name one day…

Nicola Bal, PMDD, PND, ADHD, CPTSD

I will write about the chaos in another letter, another time.