A soft update from the edges of exhaustion—on health, motherhood and holding both overwhelm and pride in the same breath.
Hello friends
I’ve been meaning to write for weeks, but life—as it often does—had other plans. This isn’t a neatly packaged update. It’s more of a curl-up-on-the-sofa-with-me post. The kind where the tv is still on low in the background, the laundry’s on my dining table not folded, and we are sharing the kind of quiet that comes after a long stretch of “too much”.
Lately, it’s all felt like too much.
Health-wise, I’m still deep in the thick of it—waiting on brain and spine scans, navigating what I can only describe as hormonal roulette, and trying to work out if my HRT is helping or hindering. I’ve just started a mini progesterone only trial(alongside testogel) to see if removing estrogen might ease some of the overstimulation and emotional dysregulation I’ve been battling—of course, none of this has been explained by healthcare professionals, this is trial and error from my own research into estrogen dominance and PMDD, in the hope that I find something that works for me. I felt a flicker of lightness today, not a miracle, not a fix, just a soft shift. And that’s something.
Then there was the fall. A dramatic undignified fall on the stairs where I managed to land my pubic bone on my heel(WTF). I’m tender, but okay—still bruised, and maybe more rattled by how fragile I feel these days. It’s a strange thing, navigating recovery while parenting and planning and existing.
And speaking of planning…
Tarik, my husband, is going through a complete career change. After leaving his job, he’s exploring something entirely new and exciting—and I’ll share more about that soon. I’m proud of him. But I won’t pretend it hasn’t stirred up overwhelm in me. In the past, I’d throw myself headfirst into a new project(hello undiagnosed ADHD). Now, with my health where it is, I have to move more slowly—gently. That contrast brings grief and guilt. But also, maybe wisdom.
Despite all this, the week brought a small win. I cooked steak—and the kids said it was better than Baba’s. High praise in this house! I soaked it in with quiet pride. (Also whispered thankyou to the universe that I avoided a full-blown RSD spiral…although part of me did wonder: does this mean steaks are now officially my job?)
I’m still trying to meet my own basic needs—and sometimes(mostly)failing. Tonight I noticed the water bottle I filled this morning still sitting on the counter. I might’ve had a glass from the tap, I can’t remember. This is the part of chronic illness and neurodivergence that’s hardest to explain—that even on “good” days, functioning doesn’t come easy. That a better mood doesn’t always mean better capacity.
When I can, I read and watch tv for comfort and maybe company(that’s within my control). I’ve been reading Sociopath: A Memoir—unsettling but so sharply written. Inside our minds: ADHD on BBC2 was an incredibly validating program that’s worth a watch—touching on perimenopause and the late ADHD diagnosis in women. It’s rare to feel seen like that. And young Henry will capture your heart.
So, no real conclusion or any great words of wisdom or advice to impart tonight. Just me, slowly showing up again, a little bruised but still here. Thankyou for letting me land gently. For being the kind of space I don’t have to perform wellness in. Just presence.
With love
Nicola x